Age 43 - Here’s what I’m noticing about myself lately
Hint: Who freakin’ cares what anyone thinks actually
Something has shifted at 43 and honestly it started at age 39 and hit full force at age 40. It has been a head-on experience that happened against my will. As though my body and mind decided it was time to do something different and me, the soul part perhaps, had no choice but to just be dragged along without a speed limit. Envision that scene from Men in Black where Tommy Lee Jones is driving and Will Smith is along for the ride through the tunnel.
I no longer care about so many things I used to care deeply about, but not in a sad way, in an empowering way. A way that feels more me and less world or society.
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I used to care if I looked stylish. If I was fit enough. If my hair looked good. Now I care about being comfortable. Being present. Being happy.
Some might read this and think, She’s on the path to letting herself go. And dear reader, I am. But not in the way you might think.
I’m letting go of the pressure to fit it
The performance of what society spelled out for me as accomplishments I needed
The constant awareness of how I appear instead of how I actually feel
The embarrassment of failures and weaknesses
It feels less like losing something and more like learning something for the first time. Like I’ve found wings and I’m just beginning to understand how to use them. I’m flying very unbalanced at this time of my life.
My mind asks different questions now:
Did this outfit support my day or distract from it?
Did I spend the day holding my stomach in, or did I actually live?
I’ve started paying closer attention to myself in this decade. How I think,
what I need, and what I no longer need. The experiences that shaped me.
It’s not one big realization. It’s a collection of small ones. And all of them are pointing me toward the same thing. I don’t just want to exist. I want to be alive.
And this isn’t just about appearance. It’s about work, hobbies, family, friends and every aspect of being alive. My faith. My beliefs. Every part of living. I don’t want to live just to get through the day or just to accomplish something.
I want to enjoy it.
Learn it.
Experience it.
I want to actually be here for my life. For the first time. Who freakin’ cares what anyone thinks.
